Do you want to be an encourager that changes lives?
The kind of encourager whose words people remember for years?
Then, next time before encouraging someone, think of a specific quality in them you can identify… a quality you recognize, admire, and value.
How can you easily remember to give specific details? At the end of this article I’m going to give you five simple phrases you can use in your encouragement that almost force you to be specific…
But first let me tell you why including specific qualities will make people notice and remember the words you tell them…
Why you must show that you care
Giving encouraging words without specific details people can grab hold of is like giving a Target gift certificate to them for their birthday… it sends the message that you don’t really know the person (their likes, dislikes, interests, or hobbies)… and you don’t care.
More importantly, it screams you’re not going to take the time and energy to find out more about them on a personal level. Sure, a gift certificate can buy dish soap or diapers (my family’s needs), but it starves for that personal touch that ties people together. Who wants dish soap and diapers for their birthday?
But encouragement that declares you know a person and care about them creates a personal bond that can last for years.
Here’s how you can be an admired and valued encourager…
The secret to becoming a valued encourager…
Vague statements like “I appreciate you” leave people asking why?
“What is it in my life that you appreciate?”
“What am I doing so that I know to do more of it?”
When you think about it, “I appreciate you” doesn’t mean anything. If you want to say something that connects with your recipient you need to be specific. For example…
- I appreciate you helping me bring in the groceries.
- I love you because you really give your time and energy to making our children creative. I saw the painting by Lauren that you helped with and it is fantastic. I know she will do better in life because of the help and confidence you give her.
- You’re so good at fixing things around the house. And it helps me by giving me time to spend on other chores.
- I really like the way you plan our vacations. If it wasn’t for you our trip would be miserable.
- You always make me feel wanted and loved because you actually ask about my life.
Looking at those encouragements you can see they point to a specific quality in the person. That sends a powerful message to the receiver… you actually noticed them and care about what they are doing or who they are as a person.
What’s more, these phrases include evidence that the person means something to you personally. Whether it is working with your children or making your vacations together better, it has a personal meaning to you. It has value because you noticed.
Why including personal meaning matters
Do you know many of your friends who don’t suffer from self-esteem problems? Here’s a great way to help them…
Encourage them in a way to build belief in themselves.
High esteem is built on evidence. The more a person succeeds, the more they believe in themselves and succeed more. Your encouragement can help by pointing out their successes and great qualities. And it is as simple as being specific with details about…
- An appreciated quality and how that quality makes your life better.
- An accomplishment that they should be proud of.
Here’s what you can do to immediately make your encouragements specific…
Next time you want to encourage somebody, whether your spouse, child, or friend, use one of these phrases to start your encouragement. They will help you be specific…
“I love you because…”
“You’re so good at…”
“I really like the way you…”
“You always make me feel…”
“I appreciate how you…”
These simple phrases can make all the difference between meaningful encouragement that moves them for years… and empty flattery.
Now, what about you? Do you have a favorite way to be specific in your encouragement? I would love to hear about it in the comments…
{ 2 comments }
These are really great ideas. I’ve really struggled with how to best encourage my wife. I get home at the end of the day and she is exhausted from taking care of the kids. I’m going to try some of these and see how she reacts. Thanks!
These are very helpful, thanks Philip.
I find I’m very good at this with my kid and not good at all at it with my husband. The specific phrases helped me realized that, thank you!
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